Thursday, 30 July 2009

Marketing and Self Projection Tenthirteens guide !!

Ok ... why on Earth am I doing this when anyone really interested in the subject could buy a crap and meaningless course from the adds on TV ... simple ... have got a Shwartzenegger film on and following the rantings of an extreme right wing politician from Austria has historically caused issues ! Apart from which in terms of self projection Arnold has done a pretty good job

What is true marketing .... actually it is simple C .... N......S Find CUSTOMERS ...... establish their NEEDS and be able to SATISFY them .....

This is not strictly true of all sales pitches namely those that sell Double Glazing and heating to the elderly, stupid and infirm... These guys are simply wankers thriving on commission ... St Peter is waiting for you guys !!

To succeed you need to be different ... Look at my thriving little firm .... A security firm calling itself Sensitive and with a Snazzy Pink Logo .... OK am not a real Dragon but when the budget version of Lizards Den is made I am available !! Lightening my mate did produce a different picture displaying cropped eared doberman pinschers with filed teeth and tooled up militia beating up youngsters . We were offered contracts by the Columbian Govt and Millwall FC ... It was simply not the image !!

A pretty sensitive looking me !!

In the recent Walkers Crisps promotion in which numerous bilious suggestions such as cajun Squirrel and Chilli and chocolate were victorious my name and picture was , well I thought excellent .... Behold the Anthrax Bhajee flavour...Am v sure that any of my mates who have been on a cultural tour of Cardiff will remember these tasty morsels !!

An Anthrax Bhajee at the Millenium stadium !!

On a recent night out I discovered the delights of the Japanese Wasabi crisps . A combination of these and the lethal cocktail known as the cricket bat is a devilish test for household domestic porcelain !! Check out the advertising comment !! Killed me !!

The white letters say Its a right hot Gobful ...... someone earned thousands for that !!

Finally I must point out two howling marketing Innacuracies !!

Bodyform will not enable you to play tennis well or ski and surf !!!

New Just for men will not make you attractive and automatically get you past the ladies front door on your first date .... Would she say "Would you like to come in to a festering crackhead ... I think not !!"

Oh well Arnold has done his speaking bit and is now in ruthless slaughter mode so back to the film for me


Sunday, 26 July 2009

A weekend of contrasts !! Shaun Tanner relationship Guru !!

Been a very strange few days and done a lot of different things .. Went out on Thursday night to the works bar and spent time on a balcony overlooking the sea . Terrific views from on high over the cliffs then I looked left and noticed a little vixen happily going around its own business .. All sorts of wildlife here on Portland !!
The following day a lot of us went to the funeral of a local lad , details I will not go into but it makes you realise how mortal we all are when you bury someone nearly half your age !
Following day was much more light hearted as went out with a mate for a quiet game of darts and to listen to the marital woes of Carlos (the Jackal) ... Portlands second best barman !! Why is it that people who are in relationships are blind to the absolutely obvious !! I include myself in this category as I actually went out with someone who told me "!Do not go out with me as I will only hurt you !!" She did and I still had the cheek to feel bad ... I mean the girl had given me a fair warning
Anyway back to the Jackal ... 5 weeks ago his girlfriend moved in with him .... within half a day she had moved out because she found him boring .... We thought this was harsh as he was actually in work at the time !! She had a quick one nighter with a local (not the rock I hasten to add !!) before deciding that Carlos might be the one after all !! They got back together and immediatly announced their engagement and throw an engagement party... A tote commences as to how long they will last .... Last night the Jackal announced with regret that his engagement had been broken on Wednesday ... but by Saturday he was about to move in with someone else !!! Guess I am just old fashioned !!
I am not sure why but I have been to the Weddings of several friends .. both male and female and thought ..NOOOOO do not do this ....each time I have been proven correct .. sometimes within a few months ... Problem is if you tell someone you tend to lose their friendship .... what a dilemma !!

Sunday, 19 July 2009

A helping hand for the Minister of Education !!

Dear Minister

Even though there is a lot of flannel , hype and spin about the current state of Education we are all acutely aware that things are pretty poor as illustrated by the standards of functional illiteracy in adults of working age ..... Statements such as every learner counts are laughable when one looks at the actual systems and funding in place to benefit those learners .. As I write this I am listening to Shane Warne speak ... the word.. Spin .. Spin ... Spin is in my head !!

Being a good old boy and something of a great sage (well certainly in the pub I drink in where functional illiteracy is deemed a positive!!) I am actually coming to you with the solution rather than a problem ...

The establishment I work in has just been Ofsted inspected and come away with a glowing report ... To be honest the inspectors hardly saw any of the lessons, didnt see any real selection of the teaching and were hardly in the classroom at all . Whilst we are pleased to have been rated highly .. surely Ofsted have let a lot of students down by actually failing to inspect more vigorously. It then dawned on me that the idea of Ofsted is to drive standards upward yet the real trend is declining standards.... If this was the private sector there would be a lot of heads rolling .... who is actually inspecting Ofsted ???

Not that I am hoping to create another tier of well paid jobs in Education for those who cannot
actually teach themselves for they are the main curse of the education system .... and many other public services to boot !!

I have had the pleasure of teaching alongside a great many colleagues ... many of whom I would class as being far better teachers than me . Personally, I deliver short intensive courses and my success is seen in exam results. From that angle I am doing well but the reality is that I am teaching to an examination and not as an educator. This is what the system wants but I doubt that it is in the best interests of the students. The problem that good and ambitious teachers have, is the fact that they can not self develope and progress their careers if they wish to remain as teachers . The more promotions you gain within the system the more you are removed from the classroom and the education of young people . If you flick through Educatonal supplements all the better paid jobs within the system involve running around with clipboards rather than actually teaching . Basically, good and ambitious teachers either leave the sector or get promoted to roles from which they are actually lost to the classroom ... Solution is simple mate !!! less clipboards and better rewards for those who excel as teachers .....

I am not saying there is no management requirement ... just less of it !!

On a recent short break in Dublin I read an article about the Irish health service which would be able to shelve thousands of jobs without having any direct effect on patients ... says it all really.

Final rant ... the LSC .. it is going soon .. good !! The way they apportion funding is an absolute scandal .... more interested in your ability to write a bid rather than your actual ability to deliver quality, accredited teaching . It will be interesting to see who gets to hold the purse strings next !!

If you read this and have views I would love to hear them

Monday, 13 July 2009

Shaun Tanner a fun packed weekend ....not !!

This weekend was the Weymouth marine Exhibition which we at have provided the security for over the last three years. Our main role being to ensure that the exhibitors tents are not damaged or pilfered during the period 20:00 - 08:00.

The camera had been drinking !!

The exhibition has a lot of large and expensive boats for sale and we are stationed on a part of the harbour where visitors put their motor boats . In an inspired entrepreneurial moment , the lightening boy suggested a possible method of us raising the neccessary dosh to purchase a sunseeker vessel. Since we had access to a hundred meters of marquee tents we simply offered a cut price B+B service for the weekend to weymouths homeless population .... Somehow I could not see it working !

Now when you are standing around in the small hours you get to meet some strange people ,,,, we seem to be magnets for such people and sure enough we were visited by the "Street pastors" a group of Weymouths God squad people who wander the town trying to ensure that youngsters who have over binged end up being safe... Fundementally this is a good thing but when they try and preach to you there is a need for them to be sped on their way ... Their leader looked at the two of us and asked what our support network was..... I told him that we were happy as we were .... he enquired if we needed his card in the event of trouble ... I am ex Old bill and lightening is ex navy and as such we were unable to work out what he was going to do but again it was a kind offer ..... He continued to question our safety ... right up to the point where I informed him that we had a vast armoury of fully automatic weapons and a primed spear gun in the tent... (the latter was true!!) he left muttering !!

Within half an hour of them leaving we were joined by two twenty something chavettes who were on thier way to get shitfaced and find rich husbands!! To get themselves into the confident socialite sort of way both were drinking cans of special brew .... also known as central heating for tramps...... Having spoken to these two for at least 20 mins and listened to their plans to find Mr Right I can now offer the following advice to lovestruck , binge drinking chavettes !!!

1) Do not show off all your tattoos and body piercings on the first night.....

2) Special brew does not make you seem mysteriously attractive to men !!

3) Neither does your prison record and your tag is not fashion jewelery !

4) Repeated use of the words Farkin Ell !!! Not good .....

Of course I could be wrong



Friday, 3 July 2009

Boys games with boys toys !!

Guess what we have swimming around in the sea off Portland ??

Yes.. the rather exciting looking fish is a porbeagle shark ... To make things even better we also have had sightings of one of these too!!

This little beauty is a mako shark .... We have had loads of sightings from commercial fishermen and local divers ... We are looking to spend a lot of time at sea fishing this weekend ... would love to see one up close and get a picture .

can not help but think of the film jaws ,.... hope we do not need a bigger boat !!