Tuesday, 30 December 2008

The spirit of Christmas in Gordons Britain !!

Good Afternoon and a special hi to Suz C who is currently being suited , effective and efficient in the world of corporate hospitality as opposed to using time in a more positive way (Watching Gladiators) like me !!

Christmas has come and gone and what do we all do at Xmas ... get drunk with our work colleagues and usually do something or sometimes (someone!!) and end up feeling crap about it for the next year !! Therefore in my place we all adopt rather silly reindeer names , dress in bad taste and go to Rasper and Frotters Xmas bash !!

In terms of bad taste at Xmas these blokes truly capture what it is all about !! Check out the ginger kitten and ironed on piss stains on Mr Rasper !

Also present were Minxer and Chris (Phoner!!) ... It was Chris who surpassed himself when a young female colleague whos texting and constant use of a mobile reached conversation shattering proportions by seizing the offesive item and dunking it in a pint of cider !! Suffice to say we all got very drunk and although it was a laugh I can not say it was that seasonal and I didnt feel to festive .

A few days back I was in an "Eat all you can" restaurant and being the eternal optimist began searching for evidence of the Chrismas message . My first thought was that the place was very clean and that the food was of a decent standard. As I looked around me it suddenly came to me that at 17.5 stone I was a positive lightweight in this place . I had two courses and a pudding and could not move ... all around me I noticed that people were getting 4-5 very large meals and just troughing through ... the eyes were glazed ad I could tell that this was eating for greed rather than pleasure.... This would appear to be the Credit Crunch Xmas message ... grab what you can and take more that you need ... How many of us spent , drank, eat or did other excesses far more than we did at other times of the year !!

Read Arcanalia ... she sums this up really well !

My final festive thought is that of friendship .... last night .. out of the blue I had a really saucy text from two of my saucier friends telling me that i was their top boy and could be their special *** buddy ! I of course laughed and declined but being a true mate "Rocky" my friend who is on a mission to dance the mattress polka with as many needy women as possible offered to go in my place ... I suppose in a modern sort of way Rocky is a modern "Good King Wenceslas!!"

Therefore it falls to me to say that since greed and averice are more important than friendship at Xmas then here is my corporate festive message . Food safety is very important ...Look at the guy above !! Get your Food Hygiene training from www.sensitivegroup.co.uk Ho Ho Ho !

have a great New Year


Wednesday, 10 December 2008

The Spirit Of Christmas

Allegedly ... Allegedly ... Allegedly

And so it came to be that two wise men decided to create their own Xmas star and that people from far and wide should flock to see this wondrous thing ... largely through the power of marketing and through abusing the Xmas spirit they found in young children . A stable would have been a little to classy for these wise men so they built their theme park in Dorset and called it Lapland New Forest.

I do not think too many wise men followed the star to this wondrous attraction and there was little evidence of frankinscence and Myrrh but a shed load of dosh changed hands for the privelage of parking in a traveller site inhabited by some manky looking animals and sad looking elves ... It cost me £100 for this privelage and having waited for 1hr and 40 mins my girlfriends kids got to see santa and got a toy which looked like something from the reject shelf in poundstretcher.

Me being me though I refused to be downcast as I was able to draw two big plusses from the day !! Firstly when one of my horrible mates starts telling me a "I once went to this really crap place !!" story , I will be able to top it !!

Secondly ... myself and my good mate Lightening have decided to open our own theme park this Easter and call it "Portland Easter Bunny world " All bookings will be taken in advance and on line and the attractions listed will include

: Rides on the back of our tame Golden Eagles .... However if they are unavailable on the day you will be allowed to feed chips to the local seagulls !!

: Nature easter egg hunt for the kids ..... we have carefully hidden three fawn coloured easter eggs somewhere on chesil beach in the area between Portland and Bridport ... If your child can find one they will win discounted tickets to our next version halloween@Portland only £25 per child !!

: Barbeque Bunny Grill !! For £25 your child gets a pitchfork to jab about into our barrell of blind baby bunnies . Any skewered bunnies can then be incinerated into something that would make Ray Mears gag before being partially consumed by your child . E Coli food poisoning is an additional extra that we throw in free of charge !!

In the event of being exposed as fraudsters or you realising that we are con men we will of course protest our innocence, safe in the knowledge that the old bill will shy away calling it a civil debt and that trading standards will dilly dally about allowing us to clear up before declaring ourselves bankrupt.

Bunnyworld Portland ... it aint cheap and it aint pleasant !!! For further info please go to www.robyouofyoursavings@shiteattraction.com Do please remember to shout "RABBITS" to every native Portlander you meet cos they love it and will give you a friendly wave .....

Well maybe not ..... special rates for anyone stupid enough to click on this link !!!

Sunday, 19 October 2008

The value of Anthrax as a food flavouring !!

This is my first entry on Blogger so I don't really know what to expect . Have been writing on AOL since Feb 06 until they dropped the big one on us earlier this month . Got quite a busy week lined up as delivering two Food Safety courses at one of the South's prominent Young Offenders Institutes , also known as South London by the Sea.

Monday always being the best day as I get to meet my new classes and am usually treated to the comment "What is this shit Gov ?"

I must confess I had a real chuckle earlier as Walkers crisps contacted me with regard my entry (which was a spoof!!) in their name a flavour competition. Every year myself and some of my dubious friends go to Cardiff to watch rugby , drink stupid ammounts of beer , visit gay bars (curiousity only!! see above) and befriend Police women called Rhiannon .. One of the delights we always have to eart is a noxious and toxic pile of waste called an Anthrax bhajee. It is bright purple and is actually truly horrible. Can you possibly imagine wanting to eat something that looks like this ?? (see top left) As you will have worked out .. I have not sussed blogger yet and can not put my pictures where I want to !! Long and short of it ... have entered the Walkers competition under the guise of "Donner Kebab flavour crisps with the anthrax bhajee picture and it has made it on to the Walkers site . I live in hope !!
I will work this out ... maybe ..