11 go mad in Cornwall !!

The last two weeks can best be descibed as a social maelstom of catastrophic proportions ! Week before last a group of 11 of us went to Trethorne in Cornwall for a lads golf weekend. All sorts of weird and wonderful things happened

Firstly ... I got a really nice single room .. with three beds in it and I manged to keep it neat and tidy !!

The "Lightening Boy" despite being 40 yrs old tried his first ever piece of fruit!! See how happy he is and how he has a pint of "emergency"Smiths on standby to wash away any fruity goodness !

Our friend and cultural attache "The Oaf" lost his job as a director with Samaritans .... we believe it might have been something to do with the content on his tee shirt !!

And of course .. as when you get a collection of blokes that have drunk too much you always get some abject stupidity . In the toilets in the bar area were some non reflective empty picture frames . A colleague who shall remain nameless to spare his feelings after such an act of mind numbing stupidity returned to the bar with a bit of a troubled look on his face. When tackled on the subject he admitted to being slightly concerned about having become a vampire as he was no longer casting a reflection ... after being verbally torn to shreds for being a F**Kwit he saw the folly of his ways !!

On my return I had some fantastically funny correspondence from the firm of receivers handling the affairs of the much missed and lamented "Lapland New Forest" The investigator looking at the reason for the failings of the company threw around many pages of business logic for the failings . I looked hard but could not find words like "con" or "scam" anywhere . Out of interest if the company has no assetts to pay the creditors who actually pays the receivers ??

And from there it was my "Birthday weekend ... now that was bad !!

regards

Shaun

It has been a while !!! Apologies to my friend Sal who told me off for not writing enough ... Must try harder.. It is with an element of sadness that I note two very good friends Dave and Helen Jeffers , along with their sons Percy the Spartan and Andy "My hand smells of Cows Arse" are moving to more urbanised climes. Good luck guys and do not be strangers ...

On a slightly brighter note another friend Pete da gangsta ... Dorsets very own mid life drive by expert is returning from urbanised climes ... thanks to witness intimidation he has once again "bust case" and has been released from Broadmoor . Rural Dorset is truly grateful!!

It has been a very busy week as I decided to visit my mum for mothers day which meant a big trip ... it was well worth it and had a good time . Also managed to see latest development on house as one of the mid floor loft rooms has been converted !!

It has also been pretty exciting as soon it will be time for the maiden voyage of "The Saucy Trout" The boat that myself and my pal Lightening bought last year. Time to show the Somalians what real piracy is all about . All merchant shipping in the English channel will be terrified !!

And finally ... Tenthirteens thoughts for the week......

I can not say I was the greatest fan of Jade Goody but a 27 yr old dying and leaving 2 small kids is a tragedy. I hope she is remembered for the awareness work she did.

A Policemen was sacked this week for alleged membership of the BNP ..... Freedom of speech ??

How is the Muslim cleric who wanted Mandelson killed still here ??

How are Politicians who claim expenses from the public purse fraudulently still in power with no chance of being prosecuted ??

How is a 2 litre bottle of coke sometimes cheaper than a 1 litre one ?? (Lewis twins!!)

Regards

Shaun

The legend that is Jumping Jimmy Thunder !!

And so it came to pass , in direct defiance to all sensible medical and scientific opinion that Rob "The Lightening Boy" Tacey actually reached the age of 40. To celebrate the unlikely event an alcohol fuelled party took place last night which was graced by the legend of Rock ... Jumpin Jimmy Thunder

The Jumpmeister is not only a conventional Elvis impersonator but he also brings certain elements to his stage show that can best be described as a little bizzare !! For example ... the jumpmeister performing whilst wearing a "Chicken Head !!"

Another magic moment came when Jimmy crooned his way through a ballad of luuuuurve whilst dressed as Jack the Ripper and carrying a rather dangerous looking knife ... In this day of being overly PC it was great to see an entertainer get up there and seriously distress an audience over issues of mental health !!

The Jumpmeister ... truly a one off act ... saying that he was ideal and totally in character for the night . The lightening boy was good to his word and feared no alcohol . A tequilla frenzy was witnessed and then in a calming down session some sobering up Guinness was consumed. At that point it became essential to get a bit of dancing in . In his alternate capacity as a god of love , Lightening was soon surrounded by women as his Northern charm poured out !!

All things considered a bloody good night ... lets hope lightening does not make 50 as Jimmy will be minging by then ... Jumping Jimmy Thunder ... a legend ...!!

The Cream of The Leafy Village ... en route to the Hellmouth

Bit of a scary week ahead as on Saturday in a clash of cultures which is basically on a techtonic scale all that is bad in Portland ... namely myself , Lightening and The Rock will meet up with Motcombe's leading socialites.

Lightening is the sort of discerning drinker who can tell the difference between a "smooth breakfast Cider" through to a mellow sleepy bedtime brew.. The man has raised the bar on enthusiasm and capacity breaching .

Rocky however is more of a concern as he has in the past displayed the abilitiy to create mayhem from tranquility .. His standard smile , sneer and swearword delivery has produced stunning effects all over the Royal Duchy of Portland . Even Rocks canaries are aggressive!!

What we are basically looking at is a clash of all the sane and normal people from Motcombe

And all the sane and normal people from Portland !!

It is also a rich combination of fighting lesbians and of course England vs Wales at Rugby .. I am excited but also a little bit scared !!

regards

Shaun

shaun tanner A review of 2008

Grovelly house

A bloody strange year was 2008 .... a lot of things, both good and bad happening. I spent large parts of January and February in Mid Wales working on the house which is now largely completed . At the time however it was cold , miserable and bloody uncomfortable ! I never realised just how much work was involved and also just how difficult it was to do .... Never again !!

March and April were exciting times for me as in time honoured tradition I had been neglecting my studies for my PGCE and therefore did a lot of catching up and filing . It dawned on me that "If it wasn't for the last minute I would never get anything done !"

Caroline at Tenby




Blue Pool in Pembroke.

May was the best month of 2008 for me in that I went on my little walking holiday down in west Wales . Weather was great and some of the views and walks were great . I also managed a little bit of Cricket at te beginning of the summer and was in pretty reasonable form . In June my club side, the Portland Pirates won their first "EVER" game of cricket . To be honest it was a bit of an anticlimax !!! The best thing was that it was against a Motcombe side including players such as Pete da Gangsta , Brushmeister and the Birs eye clan who are all brill people . I am saddened by the Demise of Motcombe Cricket Club !!

Batting .. Pirates vs Motcombe

I was even sadder in July when I damaged my back and ended up lying on the floor , What was worse was the method I employed to hurt myself ... I was working on a security number with my good mate the "Lightening Boy" and to ease the nighttime boredom we had taken along Industrial sized bottles of Ice cold cherry coke to have a word belching competition! Yes I know ... we are allegedly responsible and professional blokes .... still ... halfway through the night Lightening took a healthy swig and managed to belch "The day the music died!!" It was too much and my back went straight into spasm !! . I spent the next three weeks on the floor in agony unable to move and ended up being carted into hospital due to the damage my nerves were suffering . Mr Von Arx my surgeon was great and the pain went but sadly I had suffered drop foot from which I still suffer now .. It might go in the next 12 months
The Hot Water bottle pain relief method !! (Doesn't work!)

By september I was able to walk with crutches but was incredibly fed up . I therefore went back up to Mid Wales but was still not terrific on my feet . In what some friends called a radical and foolish activity I managed to fall over and dislocate my shoulder ... Never a smart move when the nearest hospital is a long way away !! By the time I got in the shoulder had been out a long time and despite the efforts of the on call doctors the bloody thing would not go back in . Had to wait til next afternoon to get a slot on the operating table ... This summer was not the best period I have ever had ... On the plus side tho ... I watched the Olympics, Paralympics, Open , Wimbledon, Test Cricket, Euro2008 and many other things . I watched the"300" 8 times in a week ...

The Highest Crutch in the Country ... Brecon Beacons

Went back to work in Oct which was a real struggle as not allowed to take my crutches in . Had a great deal of catching up to do and it was a busy time . I also went to probably the best fancy Dress Party I have ever been to !! All respect to the Roxy Fox !!

Apparently John Heaton is still getting counselling after being attacked by a stray great dane !!

All of a sudden it was Xmas and I had my best Xmas in a long time as I had a card off my daughters this year . Right signing off .. Best wishes for all in 2009

regards

Shaun

The spirit of Christmas in Gordons Britain !!

Good Afternoon and a special hi to Suz C who is currently being suited , effective and efficient in the world of corporate hospitality as opposed to using time in a more positive way (Watching Gladiators) like me !!


Christmas has come and gone and what do we all do at Xmas ... get drunk with our work colleagues and usually do something or sometimes (someone!!) and end up feeling crap about it for the next year !! Therefore in my place we all adopt rather silly reindeer names , dress in bad taste and go to Rasper and Frotters Xmas bash !!





In terms of bad taste at Xmas these blokes truly capture what it is all about !! Check out the ginger kitten and ironed on piss stains on Mr Rasper !

Also present were Minxer and Chris (Phoner!!) ... It was Chris who surpassed himself when a young female colleague whos texting and constant use of a mobile reached conversation shattering proportions by seizing the offesive item and dunking it in a pint of cider !! Suffice to say we all got very drunk and although it was a laugh I can not say it was that seasonal and I didnt feel to festive .

A few days back I was in an "Eat all you can" restaurant and being the eternal optimist began searching for evidence of the Chrismas message . My first thought was that the place was very clean and that the food was of a decent standard. As I looked around me it suddenly came to me that at 17.5 stone I was a positive lightweight in this place . I had two courses and a pudding and could not move ... all around me I noticed that people were getting 4-5 very large meals and just troughing through ... the eyes were glazed ad I could tell that this was eating for greed rather than pleasure.... This would appear to be the Credit Crunch Xmas message ... grab what you can and take more that you need ... How many of us spent , drank, eat or did other excesses far more than we did at other times of the year !!

Read Arcanalia ... she sums this up really well !

My final festive thought is that of friendship .... last night .. out of the blue I had a really saucy text from two of my saucier friends telling me that i was their top boy and could be their special *** buddy ! I of course laughed and declined but being a true mate "Rocky" my friend who is on a mission to dance the mattress polka with as many needy women as possible offered to go in my place ... I suppose in a modern sort of way Rocky is a modern "Good King Wenceslas!!"

Therefore it falls to me to say that since greed and averice are more important than friendship at Xmas then here is my corporate festive message . Food safety is very important ...Look at the guy above !! Get your Food Hygiene training from www.sensitivegroup.co.uk Ho Ho Ho !

have a great New Year

Shaun

The Spirit Of Christmas

Allegedly ... Allegedly ... Allegedly

And so it came to be that two wise men decided to create their own Xmas star and that people from far and wide should flock to see this wondrous thing ... largely through the power of marketing and through abusing the Xmas spirit they found in young children . A stable would have been a little to classy for these wise men so they built their theme park in Dorset and called it Lapland New Forest.

I do not think too many wise men followed the star to this wondrous attraction and there was little evidence of frankinscence and Myrrh but a shed load of dosh changed hands for the privelage of parking in a traveller site inhabited by some manky looking animals and sad looking elves ... It cost me £100 for this privelage and having waited for 1hr and 40 mins my girlfriends kids got to see santa and got a toy which looked like something from the reject shelf in poundstretcher.

Me being me though I refused to be downcast as I was able to draw two big plusses from the day !! Firstly when one of my horrible mates starts telling me a "I once went to this really crap place !!" story , I will be able to top it !!

Secondly ... myself and my good mate Lightening have decided to open our own theme park this Easter and call it "Portland Easter Bunny world " All bookings will be taken in advance and on line and the attractions listed will include

: Rides on the back of our tame Golden Eagles .... However if they are unavailable on the day you will be allowed to feed chips to the local seagulls !!

: Nature easter egg hunt for the kids ..... we have carefully hidden three fawn coloured easter eggs somewhere on chesil beach in the area between Portland and Bridport ... If your child can find one they will win discounted tickets to our next version halloween@Portland only £25 per child !!

: Barbeque Bunny Grill !! For £25 your child gets a pitchfork to jab about into our barrell of blind baby bunnies . Any skewered bunnies can then be incinerated into something that would make Ray Mears gag before being partially consumed by your child . E Coli food poisoning is an additional extra that we throw in free of charge !!

In the event of being exposed as fraudsters or you realising that we are con men we will of course protest our innocence, safe in the knowledge that the old bill will shy away calling it a civil debt and that trading standards will dilly dally about allowing us to clear up before declaring ourselves bankrupt.

Bunnyworld Portland ... it aint cheap and it aint pleasant !!! For further info please go to www.robyouofyoursavings@shiteattraction.com Do please remember to shout "RABBITS" to every native Portlander you meet cos they love it and will give you a friendly wave .....

Well maybe not ..... special rates for anyone stupid enough to click on this link !!!
regards
Shaun